The reality of life is rarely just what we see. When we are looking at the surface of things, often we believe we understand them and we feel safe to judge them as we believe they are. We frequently fail to see what is underneath. Our ability to judge is often confused with our emotions, many of which are so deeply troubling that we refuse to even acknowledge them.

This is particularly true about relationships. Frequently there is more that is unknown than what we see, and we often fail to even bear witness to all that we are missing. This was true for me this week, when upon the death of my mother's long-time lover, I realized how much of the relationship I had missed and misunderstood.

I judged the "affair" of it, and as a kid in suburbia, struggled with not only the illicit nature of the relationship, but also its interracial quality. The relationship went through years of on again/off again, and I sat smugly by with all the transitions. Then yesterday, with his death and the end of what might have been a new and more gentle version of the affair, I realized that I had missed the whole point. Responding to my mother's grief and breaking voice, I told her and realized as I said it, that the story had been about love. He loved her, as he could, and in the end that was enough.

Love that can sustain relationships is often hidden beneath layers of story line. Teaching ourselves to look for what lies beneath, whether good or bad, provides the opportunity to move beyond our often flawed judgement and to experience the richness of a wide range of emotions.

When you give your relationship the gift of digging deeper, and not going with the first judgement, you learn patience and the ability to be present. Allowing the process of uncovering what your partner is experiencing and how your relationship is changing gives you the time that we all need to catch up to our questions. This space where we see the whole picture are the moments where we can forgive and let go. Usually that is enough to find the love.