Building a fire is a strong metaphor for the depth, passion and intensity of physical intimacy. Fire is nature’s energetic equivalent to our sexuality. It is the energy of life, providing light, heat and the ability to transform the physical world. Fire in intimacy is the force of attraction that keeps relationships dynamic and whole. Just as intense heat binds and transforms matter, shared loving sexuality carries the power to heal, invigorate and sustain relationships.

Statistically, the fire element is weak in our culture. Couples in our country struggle profoundly with sexual issues in their relationship and it is more normative to have a problem with desire, arousal or satisfaction than not. Indeed over 68% of "happily married" couples report problems with at least one of these areas in their sex life.

In my metaphor, "The Ecology of Love," I teach couples that there are several other elements of the relationship which will come to bear on your ability to builda fire in your relationship. The first and most powerful element requires a consideration of the ground to build it upon. The ground or earth of a couple's relationship is how you think of each other and your relationship. While there are often moments of frustration or anger in any relationship, if your primary mode of thinking about your current partner or relationship is negative than consider the ground of your relationship. Are you are trying to build a fire on barren land, maybe even playing with fire on a volcano?

Any fire builder knows that to sustain a healthy blaze requires air. The air in your relationship exists in the communication that flows between you. The quality and frequency of your conversations as well as the comfort and ability to self disclose creates the essence of your fire. It is not uncommon for members of a couple to have very divergent interests and ideas, which can actually be a great gift, but not if the result is a tuning out and disengaging. How do you listen to your partner? It is the act of love that fuels your sex life.

The smallest of fires can become a wild fire without water nearby to keep it in check. The water of a relationship exists in the ebb and flow of the time you share together. Togetherness means different things to different people, and not having a shared definition, can make the relationship both unsafe and unsatisfying for both people. This fact is essential in building a fire, because where there is no safety, people can get burned.

Good sex then, is both the result and the gift of positive thoughts in your relationship: a steady flow of together time and open and honest communications. If you can't quite sustain a fire in your relationship, consider looking at how the other elements in the ecology are functioning. Often once the air starts to flow, or a sense of safety is re-established, intimacy issues can often resolve by themselves.

Tending the fire in your relationship is one of the most powerful tools we have at our disposal to sustain them.